1.Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2.Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3.Dial long distance to Tokyo from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4.Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5.At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6.Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7.Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
8.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
9... but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
10.Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11.Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12.Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13.Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14.Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning,
15.Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16.Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17.If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18.Sprint up the down escalator.
19.Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."
20.Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
21.Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22.Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23.At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
24.Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25.Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist's.
26.Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27.Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28.Ask a saleswoman if a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29.In the changing rooms, announce in a sing-song voice, "I see London, I see France...'
30.Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31.Play the tuba for change.
32.Ask the organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
33.Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34.Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
35.Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw"
36."Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37.Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38.Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39.Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40.Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
41.Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
42."Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43.Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44.Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
45.If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46.Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
47.Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48.At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49.Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
50.Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
And as an added bonus, here are some
1. Jump into people's carts and pretend that they are you limo driver.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M & M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"