Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman
She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe- Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.- Mae West
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.-- Elaine Boosler
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.-- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.--Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.-- Erma Bombeck
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." --Author Unknown
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multimillionaire".
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.