If the voices in my head paid rent, I wouldn't be broke.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I may be drunk, but you're ugly. Tomorrow I'll wake up sober and you'll still be ugly.
In the US today, you're considered innocent until appointed to a public position by the president.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Normal is a setting on the dryer.
Life is trial and error, unless you're an incompetent crook, for whom life is error and trial.
Chicks dig pale, scrawny guys.
Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of rest, and you'll still die.
If 7-11's are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors????
Hard work often pays off over time, but laziness pays off now.
If "con" is against "pro", wouldn't "Congress" be against "progress"?
Do old people read the Bible so much because they're studying for finals?
The saddest thing in life is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget about it little guy; he's dead.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
How does the door close after the bus driver gets off?
I feel more like I do now than I did a little while ago.
When in danger or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.
Never pet burning dogs.