I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.